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Gabor Maté

Gordon Neufeld

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Paperback – 15 August 2006

by Gordon Neufeld (Author), Gabor Mate M.D. (Author)

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International authority on child development Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., joins forces with bestselling author Gabor Maté, M.D., to tackle one of the most disturbing trends of our time: Children today looking to their peers for direction—their values, identity, and codes of behavior. This “peer orientation” undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being “cool” matters more to them than anything else. Hold On to Your Kids explains the causes of this crucial breakdown of parental influence—and demonstrates ways to “reattach” to sons and daughters, establish the proper hierarchy in the home, make kids feel safe and understood, and earn back your children’s loyalty and love. This updated edition also specifically addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media. By helping to reawaken instincts innate to us all, Neufeld and Maté will empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact, security, and warmth for their children.

Print length

352 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Ballantine Books
Publication date

15 August 2006
Dimensions

13.21 x 2.11 x 20.32 cm
ISBN-10

0375760288
ISBN-13

978-0375760280
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Product description

About the Author

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D, is a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist, internationally renowned as a foremost authority on child development. His Neufeld Institute delivers many courses he has created for parents, educators, and helping professionals on several continents. He is recognized for his unique ability to unlock the clues to seemingly complex problems of child rearing and education.

Gabor Maté, M.D., is a physician and the bestselling author of When the Body Says No, Scattered Minds, and In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. A sought-after authority on stress, mind-body health, ADHD, parenting, and addictions, he travels extensively, addressing health personnel, teachers, and lay audiences across North America and internationally.

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Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ballantine Books; Reprint edition (15 August 2006)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 352 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0375760288
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0375760280
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 261 g
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 13.21 x 2.11 x 20.32 cm
Country of Origin ‏ : ‎ India

Best Sellers Rank: #34,478 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2,814 in Reference (Books)

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Gabor Maté
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A celebrated speaker and bestselling author, DR. GABOR MATÉ is highly sought after for his expertise on a range of topics, such as addiction, stress, and childhood development. Dr. Maté has written several bestselling books, including the award-winning In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction; When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress; and Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. He is also the co-author of Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. His works have been published internationally in more than thirty languages.
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Gordon Neufeld
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Before he retired from private practice, Dr. Gordon Neufeld had accumulated more than 45 years of experience as a clinical psychologist with children and youth and those responsible for them. A foremost authority on child development, Dr. Neufeld continues to be an international speaker, a best-selling author (Hold On to Your Kids) and a leading interpreter of the developmental paradigm. Dr. Neufeld has a widespread reputation for making sense of complex problems and for opening doors for change. While formerly involved in university teaching and private practice, he has devoted the best part of the last two decades to creating more than 25 courses for parents, teachers and helping professionals. These courses are offered primarily through the Neufeld Institute – an online educational institute and world-wide charitable organization devoted to applying developmental science to the task of raising children. Dr. Neufeld’s lifes work has been to help adults provide the conditions for children to flourish. He is a father of five and a grandfather to six.
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Customer reviews

5 star		82%
4 star		10%
3 star		4%
2 star		1%
1 star		1%

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Top reviews from India

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sritha s.

Gets you rethinking your parenting

Reviewed in India 🇮🇳 on 27 January 2020

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A must read for all parents these days. Loved his lectures on ted talks too. His ideas are really thought-provoking. I’ve changed my entire parenting methods after reading this!

7 people found this helpful

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riya banik

Three Stars

Reviewed in India 🇮🇳 on 7 July 2018

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The book is very insightful but the print is too small to read... eyes hurt at times.

5 people found this helpful

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Irina Sohanpal

I brought this book as I was worried about my kid is not quite like others...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 3 November 2020

Verified Purchase

I brought this book as I was worried about my kid not quite "fitting" , not quite like other kids… only to discover that we (my husband and I) were doing right most of the things!

Nursery staff told us that my son does not interact much with other kids...instead he interacts a lot with the staff. He is not as chatty as other kids are and sometimes prefer watching then taking part.
All these are wonderfully explained by notions of: shyness, innocence, parent-attachment opposite to peer-attachment, what means friendships for kids, eccentricity and self-esteem.

My son lacks the "sophistication" or independence that other kids have, and as per this book, is only because he has strong bonds with us, his parents.

You will also find out that although peer-attched kids might look advanced and do better in early years, parent-attached kids have all the advantages in the long term.

This book might not be written in a simple step 1,2 and 3 manner, but for sure you get understanding and answers on HOW to hold on to your kids once you finish reading.

You are also told WHY you loose the grip on your kids and HOW to win them back.

89 people found this helpful

C. Bradwell

There's a reason it's not called, HOW to hold on to your kids.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 14 May 2019

Verified Purchase

I bought this because I watched some interviews with one of the authors who was fascinating to listen to. However, although this book is extremely important in it's purpose, it's not written for your average exhausted parent. It's very academic and lengthy with small print to fit in the length of what could reasonably be said in half the manor. The answers to the problem are written sporadically amongst the read and hard to spot. So it's super hard to get much out of this apart from deeply reading about the problem and per chance retaining something to use practically by changing your habits to affect change in your family life.

77 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Must read but could be improved for the lay reader

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 10 September 2020

Verified Purchase

The ideas in this book are so important. I fully believe them and in his expertise in this arena. I've tried explaining the idea if peer orientation to friends as I've been reading the book and most people seem to really struggle to comprehend the issue, but that's because we're (as he explained) living in a world where that's the norm now.

It's quite an academic style of writing and I think parents in the midst of deep troubles with their kids would be better off finding a therapist who understands these ideas than trying to implement them from this book. It's more a book to read multiple times over years, try to deeply reflect on and adopt it's philosophy than a "how to manual". But then he does make that point right from the beginning. Parents don't need a manual for parenting, they need to spend the time with their kids to develop the attachments to make parenting instinctual.

What some people have described as repetitive I experienced as thorough. He makes lots of points that are closely related but subtly different.

I did struggle to get through the first half of the book though, as he spends that describing the problem in detail before the second half starting in the solutions. I felt a bit hopeless.

I wonder if a partner book, which did try to simplify into some easier to absorb takeaway lessons would suit some better.

25 people found this helpful

Personaltrainer

One of most important parenting books you'll ever read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 26 August 2021

Verified Purchase

Before I read this book, I was of the belief that my daughter needed friends ASAP and it was fine to work all the hours under the sun because that is what my father did and I turned out ok.

The more I read the book, the more I realized how wrong I was. Reflecting back on my childhood, I understood that yes my parents provided, I was part of an intact family but there was an attachment void, which pushed me into the arms of friends. During my teenager years, a relationship with my parents was not my priority and the only thing that mattered was my friends. The result was unsatisfying and fickle friendships. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realised the importance of my parents and siblings and mended my relationships with them.

I'm so glad that I read this book because it has made me realize that my family and holding onto my daughter are my priorities and that friends are a complement to this rather than the cornerstone of my life. Thank you for helping me understand how to avoid the mistakes of my childhood and giving me the tools and mindset to provide my daughter with the best possible start in life.

17 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Repetitive and unconvincing

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 23 September 2018

Verified Purchase

As others have said, if you are familiar with attachment parenting already, this book will not add a great deal more.

I found the peer-orientation arguments unconvincing, forced and repetitive. It did more to hurt the otherwise solid attachment and parent-child relationship ideas.

The writing too is repetitive and the editing of this book has left much to be desired. Consequently, I found it exhausting to read and have skimmed my way through most of it.

It is a great shame, as there seem to be a valuable core here beneath the wearying writing and shaky peer ideas.

34 people found this helpful

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