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Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love: Solving the Mystery of Attraction Paperback – Import, 12 Jan 2010

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About the Author

ALLAN and BARBARA PEASE  are  the  most  successful  relationship
authors in the business. They have written a total of 15 bestsellers –
including  9  number  ones  –  and  give  seminars  in  up  to  30
countries  each  year.  Their  books  are  available  in  over  100
countries, are  translated  into 51  languages and have  sold over
25 million copies. They appear regularly in the media worldwide
and their work has been the subject of 9 television series, a stage
play and a No.1 box office movie which attracted a combined
audience of over 100 million.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1    

Sex on the Brain  
   Passion, infatuation, romance, "the hots," obsessive love, beer goggles . . . these are the words we use to describe those feelings of ecstasy, elation, bliss, and rapture that almost all people will experience in some way at some time in their lives.With them come the feelings of anguish, distress, pain, agony, torment, and grief. For thousands of years, experts have tried, with little success, to define romantic love, usually concluding that it must be controlled somehow by forces outside ourselves, suchas the mystical, supernatural, or spiritual. Yet we have no difficulty in pigeonholing other human emotions, like depression, anxiety, obsession, and fear.   
   Since the 1970s, humans have experienced a deep spiritual yearning for love. This yearning is caused by the breakdown of the social structures that gave us intimate connections with friends, family, and lovers and was the norm for thousands of years. Weevolved as a species that cared for our young; protected, loved, and depended on each other; and stuck together as social and family units. The older generations cared for the children, while the middle generation worked or collected food. In the evenings,the older generations told children stories and taught them about their heritage and about life. This kind of family structure now exists only in primitive cultures, parts of the Middle East, Asia, the Mediterranean, and Third World cultures. And as more andmore people are staying single or living alone, this cultural chasm continues to widen. For a million years or more, societies have been structured to bring men and women together; today's societies, however, are driving them apart. The erosion of the basicfamily structure has led to loss of values, kids growing up without fathers, and emotional chaos.     
Same Goals, Different Agendas   

   Men and women have very different agendas when it comes to sex and love, and these are deeply embedded in our ancient past. In basic terms, today's men are turned on by visual images and by the signs of a woman's health, fertility, and youth, where aswomen are turned on by the markers of a man's power, status, commitment, and material resources--just as their ancestors were. In fact, nothing much has really changed for hundreds of thousands of years in terms of our sexual urges and drives. This can be anunpopular idea in a politically correct world in which it has become fashionable to say that men and women want the same things in life and have the same motivations, preferences, and urges, but as you read on, you will see that this is simply not true. Infact, deep down you know it's not. This myth is perpetuated by powerseekers such as bureaucrats, church leaders, feminist groups, and other politically motivated individuals. It may be politically correct to say that men and women think the same way and wantthe same things, but if you have had any experience living with them, working with them, or managing them, you'll know that it isn't true.     
The Power of Love  
   David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, is internationally recognized for his evolutionary research on human sex differences in mate selection. He and his team searched for evidence of romantic love in 147 cultures. Theydiscovered empirical proof of romantic love in cave drawings, manuscripts, poems, songs, and books. Most people see only the positive sides of love when they think about it--they imagine staring into a lover's eyes, holding hands, singing love songs, makinglove, and warm, fuzzy feelings, all the "happily-ever-after" stuff--but love also has a dark side. Buss and other researchers found evidence spread throughout human history of love potions, love charms, love spells, suicide, and murder motivated by love wonor lost. In fact, one in four murders is the result of love gone wrong. Spouses, lovers, rivals, stalkers, and jilted lovers everywhere die as a result. Almost every culture has its equivalent of the Romeo and Juliet story. The dramatic urge to love fills uswith exhilaration, despair, fear, or revenge, often all at the same time.   
   And because romantic love is universal and every human culture on earth has it, there must be a biological basis for it. In other words, it can't simply be a cultural tradition, like idol worship or religion; love is something that is very powerful andis hardwired into each of us.     
The Biology of Love  
   Scientists who have been researching how the human brain operates when a person is in love have concluded that there are three distinct brain systems for mating and reproduction--lust, romantic love, and long-term attachment.   
   Each of these systems is associated with distinct hormone activity that cause specific feelings and behavioral changes in lovers. When you think of love in terms of these three systems, it makes it easier to follow what stage a person is in and to betterunderstand that person's actions.   
   The purpose of this chapter is to help you understand the basic brain functions that govern lust, romantic love, and long term attachment. We have attempted to keep the explanations as brief and simple as possible. Where we talk about specific areas ofthe brain, it's important to understand that the brain regions discussed are usually part of an overall brain network, and we thank Professor Graeme Jackson of the Brain Research Institute in Melbourne for his suggestions in this area. We have simplified thingshere to make them more accessible to our readers; at the same time, we are conscious of not oversimplifying these ideas and concepts. It is vital to have this knowledge of the research because it's referred to throughout this book. We use medical terminologyfor the technically inclined, but you will only need to understand its significance in relation to your love life. We will be discussing principles that operate most of the time for most people, not how minorities or the exceptions behave.   
   Love has been shown to be the result of a specific group of chemicals and brain circuits working in specific areas of the brain. In simple scientific terms, love is triggered by a combination of brain chemicals, including dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone,estrogen, and norepinephrine; in much the same way, these chemicals drive other mammals to find suitable partners. Once our brain has identified a suitable partner based on certain criteria, which are discussed later, the brain goes into overdrive to producethe chemicals necessary to create the environment to attract that person.   
   Throughout human history, marriages were an arranged event based on wealth, status, family rivalries, tribal groups, and politics. Today, this approach has generally disappeared from the Western world and most people now marry for love.   
   When it comes to mate selection, humans focus their attention on just one person. This distinguishes them from most other animals. A courting male pigeon, for example, will puff up his feathers and approach as many potential partners as his energy willallow. Humans, however, usually have a short list of candidates but intensely target just one.    

Love at First Sight
   The phenomenon of "love at first sight" has been scientifically proved and affects most animal species in much the same way.  

Ray was shopping in the supermarket when he glanced between the cornflake packets into the candy aisle. What he saw overwhelmed him, and he experienced a euphoric feeling, almost as if he was intoxicated. Standing there was a woman who simply capturedhis heart. She was not beautiful in the usual sense, but there was something unique about her and the way she moved. All he knew was that he felt magnetically drawn to her. Just looking at her filled him with excitement and gave him butterflies in his stomach.   
   While he experienced these feelings of elation at discovering her, however, he had at the same time a sense of despair because he would never have her.   

   If you've ever experienced love at first sight, your brain was producing huge amounts of the chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine, which make you feel almost as if you are on drugs. The same things happen to other animals. Take, for example, the femaleprairie vole, which is similar to a desert rat. If you expose a female prairie vole to even a tiny scent of male vole urine, she experiences exactly the same chemical reaction humans do: a surge of dopamine and norepinephrine. One study demonstrated that whenfemale sheep that are in heat are shown images of male sheep, norepinephrine levels in their brains surge. Although this effect lasts for seconds or minutes for most animals, it can last for months or years in humans.   
   Scientists now agree that love at first sight is a real phenomenon. Scientists working in this area also believe that in a stable society in which people are not under the threat of death or war, lust, romantic love, and long-term attachment may be thebest and most efficient way to ensure species survival.     
Darwin Made Me Do It   
   Lust is brought on by surges in sex hormones such as testosterone and estrogen. These hormones cause an urgent push for physical gratification. During lust, two key parts of the brain become active--the hypo...

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Amazon.com: 19 reviews
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
A manual for living with the opposite sex 20 September 2012
By Richard Landis - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
The book was excellent. Witty, informative, covers much more than just what the title implies. this is a good manual for people starting a relationship or wanting their existing relationship to become better. A sense of humor is necessary.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
Insightful 4 January 2013
By Trinidad Man - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
It's funny, light reading on a serious subject. It's not boring, and is guaranteed to hold your interest for a long time.
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful
It is just what I was looking for at the time. 28 November 2012
By Reba Williams - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
The book is the third by these authors that I have read, and each of the books have helped me learn more about the differences between how men and women think. It is a good read.
7 of 10 people found the following review helpful
Who knew?!!! 28 July 2011
By blrooney47 - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
The Peases know how to teach men and women about each other in a easily readable, humorous way. This, and their other books, should be required reading for young people before they get into a relationship. I am 63 years old and still found it very enlightening and thought provoking. I think a lot of relationships would never happen and a lot of marriages might be saved if these books were read by both partners.
Great book! 24 March 2014
By Nepadi - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This is a great book on relationships! I check it out from the library and after reading it, decided I need to purchase my own copy.
It is still interesting the second time around.

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